Monday, June 07, 2004

How to write a great blog

After spying and reading my fair share of blogs I have compiled a list of do's and don'ts for writing a successful blog that everyone will want to read. Right now you may be thinking, wait your blog kinda sucks though, why should I listen to you? Yeah well that's because I actually do things away from my computer.

So with that I bring you...

My do's and don'ts for writing a successful blog that everyone will wanna read.

1. For the love of God people no more blogs about the bands you stalk. They are B_O_R_I_N_G. Nobody cares if you saw the Go-station for the 14th time this month and the lead singer said "hey" to you. (although I'm sure they are lovely people) Now, if you had sex with one of the guys from Go-Station well then that's cool you can put that in there. Actually, if you had sex with one of the guy's from Go-station and then he ignored you at the last show and you felt all used and hostile about it, that might work, I might wanna read about that.

2. Don't be vague. What is that about? You're posting your life on the internet, isn't that sorta defeating the purpose at this point ? Give me names people! Unless it's my name. Don't ever use my name. Unless it's about something really good. Then it's ok.

3. Please do not post your poems or lyrics on your blog. They're bad. You don't know that yet, but one day you'll look at them and think " holy fucking shit that's so stupid." So I'm just sparing you that moment. Also poems and lyrics are an evil trap, because you'll see the title of the blog and think its going to be good but instead it's someone’s lame-ass lyrics they made up one night, wasted, alone and obsessing on their ex. And then you just feel like fuck that's a 30 seconds of my life I'm never going to get back, fuck you and your stupid fucking song lyrics asshole.

4. It's okay to talk shit about people, just not about me.

5. If you're going to post your life on the internet, don't get all pissed off when your ( ex, current boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, family member, secret crush etc) finds the thing and wants to cause bodily harm to you. Most importantly don't ever say " Why did you read my journal, it's personal S!" because then I have to point out that you put it online you fucking fucktard.

6. Make your boring stories interesting.
For example :

Today I went down to the corner deli and bought a sandwich. My favorite ham and swiss, mustard on a roll. the deli guy is nice. He totally knows me now. NYC isn't so big. Ran in to Becky on the street, she's so cool. Went home watched tv for a bit.

Now here's a way to make it something I would read.

Today I went down to the corner deli and bought a sandwhich. My favorite ham and swiss, mustard on a roll. The deli guy totally hit on me again. So this time I asked him to teach me some words in Chinese and next thing I know we were naked in the storage room. It was hot hot hot triple x action but now I'm all confused. Then on my way home I ran into Becky. That girl in college I had a pseudo-lesbian fling with. Turns out she's pregnant with her ex-boyfriend Craig's baby you know "Heroine Addict Craig"? ( it's always good to make up fun nicknames in your blogs for people). Anyway turns out he stole a bunch of shit from her parents house last Thanksgiving and now the cops are totally after him. Apparently he was last seen New Mexico. Which is weird cuz i just got an email from my friend Mike who lives in New Mexico. His family finally did an intervention and broke him out of the "Up With People" cult he was in for 6 years. He's showering again and trying to rebuild his life now. Which made me think I should tell Becky, because they used to date in college and she's cool even if she is pregnant. Then I went home and watched TV for a bit.

7. Contrary to what you think there will most likely be someone out there that thinks your pathetic life is interesting so this is actually one of those rare instances where talking about how much of a loser you are, don't have any friends and have some seriously disgusting habits could actually make you popular, so go for it.

8. Surveys are actually kinda cool and those random quizzes like "What early 1990's Slow Jam are you?" are very relevant to my life because up til this point I didn't know I was Amy Grant's " Baby Baby" and now I need to do some serious work on myself cuz I'm kinda flipped out about that.

9. Do include links to stuff and people, but only if they're good. Nobody cares if you put a link in there to a movie you saw. TROY isn't really hard to find.

10. It's totally cool to post shit about annoying coworkers. The more annoying they are the better. In fact it's great when you document every little fucking annoying thing they do because they are loud as fuck so go ahead and include full conversations they have " I have to! Oh MY GAWD...i'm just imagining in my head I'm just dying, holy shit, holy fucking shit, did he just call you? i just got out of a meeting...holy shit keeeeeke ( becomes inaudible at this time) Okay so 7:30, yeah... yeah...aaahhhhhhhhhh...oh shit? Did he stay over?"

That's about it really.
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