Tuesday, August 10, 2004



A few weekends ago I saw essentially my first Broadway play. "Jumpers". It's a great play if you want to spend 2 hours of your life feeling like a moron. I've been living in NYC for 5 years and I haven't seen one Broadway play. I was ashamed. However it's important to note that Jumpers was not our first choice. No, we weren't that clever, originally it was "Ave Q" but when we failed to get lottery tickets it became "Wicked" and when we failed to get tickets for that, we settled on "Jumpers".

Our first clue that Jumpers might be a little over our heads might have been when we all went to read the blown up poster of a New York Times review for the play that was displayed in front of the theatre. It was painfully clear none of us got past the first paragraph. So with a confidence that only comes from ignorance we collectively said " Yeah cool...okay so should we see this? we should see this." Another bad sign might have been that it wasn't sold out on a Saturday night. Nothing screams "BROADWAY HIT!" like a partially seated auditorium. So after waiting in line, oh wait a second, there wasn't a line (yet another clue we missed) and getting our tickets we decided to troll the neighborhood looking for a decent place for a bite to eat.

After a lot of false alarms we settled on this Brazilian place that offered us some sketchy all you can eat meat meal in their basement. Now honestly, whom does this really appeal to? Apparently it appeals to my boyfriend Matt. However, as enticing as that was, we all passed (sorry Matt) and settled on an array of bad appetizers I hardly touched. Which sucked because I was actually starving at that point. Instead, I proceeded to get trashed off of their national drink, which was a teaspoon of limejuice, 4 shots of rum and a pound of sugar.

It's weird going to your first Broadway show completely wasted. Matt took a look at our tickets and seemed to take satisfaction in mentioning several times how coveted our seats were. I was excited. That is until we got to them and realized not only were we in the very VERY front row, but far far to the left. In other words I could not see anything but 3 large wooden crates in front of me. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, the play started.

It's never a good sign when you are 20 minutes into a play and you still have absolutely no idea what is going on. I desperately searched Matt's face for a sign that he was as lost as I was, but he seemed to laugh in the appropriate places. This wasn't a good sign. Allow me to invite you into my internal monologue.

" What's going on? Hmm maybe if I just really focus on what he's saying I will start to get it.... okay I'm going to start listeeeeennnniiiiinnnnggggg.... now!............okay now... now...now! Fuck you stupid play and your fucking fancy words and dialog I can't understand. Oh that's right, laugh Matt...laaaaaauuuugh. You're only laughing cuz that guy next to you did. Ew...that actor spits so bad every time he talks. It's kinda of nasty. There's this spittle mist raining down on the front row and they have no idea. But my superior seats allow me to see the spittle mist, heh heh... spittle...spittle is a funny word...ha ha... spittle rhymes with skittle...OH NICE I have M&M's I forgot about them. (Searches inside bag for m&m's) What the hell is this fucking box doing in front of MY seat? My seat of all the places! As if it's not bad enough that we have seats where I have to look up at a 90-degree angle to even see this stupid play. I am now partially obstructed by some prop and what is this anyway? Oh shit Matt just laughed again.I hate this, I didn't think that was funny. That was sooo NOT funny. Or maybe I just didn't get it? Maybe it was a real laugh-riot and I'm a moron. Great...people are laughing and I'm the only one who doesn't get it. Who's riding the short bus home?! Where's my helmet? Whoaaaa HELLO. Full-frontal nudity, hmm okay, didn't know that was in this play. I think Matt's eyeballs just fell out of his face and are rolling on the stage...heh...heh. Ok what exactly was the point of that random nudity? God, I have no fucking clue what is going on. Plays annoy me. It's always someone going off on some long diatribe about something so simple. People don't talk that way in real life nope. That'd be funny though if Matt and I talked like these people to our friends all the time...*queue dream sequence*

Friend : " Hey you guys want to get drinks after work?"

Me: "Look at the moon tonight *insert melodramatic sigh* so lonely...we would get a drink but why? Why drown our sorrows why dilute the pain? There is no escape. We walk this earth and we cannot deny we are human. And humanity after all, is neither good nor evil but indifferent to the world...indifferent like the moon is. If a man *begins to pace and wave hands wildly* while walking into a garden were to accidentally crush an insect does that make him evil?"

Friend: "Um gee... I dunno Sandy; look I just wanted to know if you wanted to get a drink, um. But really it's cool, it's cool."

After we switched seats during intermission. (Surprisingly there were about 6 people in the balcony so it was really difficult finding a spot to sit) I was determined to put all the pieces together and figure out this fucking crap play. I would then impress everyone afterwards with my in-depth interpretation of "Jumpers" and feel superior for the remainder of the night

" Um no Matt *gawf!*.... Obviously the play humanizes the cuckolded George, making him a comic professor of pretensions and valiant man struggling to assert his belief in God and goodness in a disordered world...duh? Every one knew that...har har har"

But...no luck, it just got weirder and weirder and I spent most of my time wondering how much more of it I could handle and made deliberate noises with my M&M's as I launched them off the first row balcony to annoy Matt. Annoying Matt when I'm bored is literally one of my favorite things to do. It's really bad, but seriously watching him get annoyed makes me crack up. It's probably why the last fight we had I burst out laughing.

After the play we all met outside and I was relieved to find out that actually none of us understood it. Once again we stood outside and started to read the NY Times review searching for some clue that would assist us in understanding what we had just seen. Once again we all got bored after the second paragraph and walked away.

I think I'll start off with something a bit easier next time, maybe the Lion King.


Blogger kranki said...

where can I find a review of this play? I'm quite curious as to how obtuse it possibly could be that a smart gal like yourself can't understand what's happening. Even if you are drunk on mojitos.

3:24 AM  
Blogger S said...

Well I seriously questioned my intelligence after that play.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

LMAO!! Nothing like abit of nudity to break things up a bit. I swear if you had thrown an M&M and the naked actors man bits THAT would have made EVERYONE laugh.

1:34 PM  

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