Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Farewell my home part 2

I really need to start thinking of better titles then Part 2.

Farewell my Home: Partie Deux
Farewell my Home: The Next Chapter.
Farewell my Home. This time it's personal.

Okay forget it.

Last night I cooked up a nice steak. I'm did this mainly because I am determined to use the last of my Peter Lugar steak sauce. The idea of moving and throwing out a half a bottle of what I like to refer to as liquid heaven, is just too much for me to bear. On the other hand I'm not really a ‘bring half your refrigerator to your new apartment’ kinda girl either. I like fresh starts and new salad dressings ( I seem to collect them) and I'm not really sure how long things will sit out with the move and I'm so over explaining this...let's just move on shall we?

Right, right so after an amazing steak dinner I got to work on taking my bed apart and going through all the crap underneath it. I'm throwing out a ton of cd cases. After a while I got really fast at taking the paper insides out and tossing the plastic cases in the bin. This mindless work enabled me to think about what I wouldn't miss about Williamsburg and so with that very obvious seg way I bring you, Sandy's ‘What I won't miss about living in Williamsburg.’

1.The 100 screaming, yelling, fighting shithead highschoolers who walked by my apt 2 times a day to and from school.

I want to thank you for throwing a bottle at my head while I was walking into the subway. How did you know I felt like a diet coke that morning? I must say I won't really miss the way you harassed everyone who walked by you and threw trashcans in the street. I also realized that all 100 of you are obviously hearing impaired as you all talked at A VERY LOUD VOLUME LIKE ALL THE TIME...LIKE TO THE POINT I COULD’NT EVEN HEAR MY TV. But really now, is "Fuck you bitch I'm gonna fucking beat yo'ass’ and droppin the N-bomb really appropriate for 7 in the morning? I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am to not be living anywhere near your school or any school anymore.

2. Planet Thai *warning do not read if you want to still eat here*

We had a really nice relationship for a while. Sure you were Thai food but in the beginning you were basically one of the few restaurants out there in the Burg' and your large factory-like artsy interior and cheap food won me over immediately. But like a child actor you matured into a dysfunctional adult. Letting your fame ‘change’ you. You started abusing your name and just stopped caring. First it was little things like slightly under cooked chicken pad Thai and over fried spring rolls but the day I ordered Chicken Tempura and it came with a little fried creepy friend hanging on, well I'm sorry it had to end. I will be going to Joya on Court Street from now on.

3. Vinyl siding

You were everywhere, it's like you threw up all over Williamsburg and spread like a bad VD from house to house. I dunno who told you that you look good but...no… you're ugly, really really ugly. What happened here? Park Slope doesn't have you. Manhattan wouldn't be caught dead with you and I think maybe someone's been living a little too close to Queens. You are BROOKLYN dammit, remember that. What can I say, I'm disappointed in you.

4.Scary unnecessarily mean Polish Laundromat

Okay now I understand that working in the laundry mat was probably not your life's dream but you guys would just blow up at everyone for no apparent reason. There was the girl who was laughing with her friend and you yelled at her to go outside even though it was raining. The guy who lost all his quarters in one of your crappy 20-year-old machines and you just screamed at him in Polish. It was like the Soup Nazi in there. Put your clothes in washer. Put your quarters in. Keep your eyes looking down and step to the side slowly then wait exactly 2 minutes slowly walk out of there. Also did I mention you sucked? Well you sucked. How do you say you suck in Polish? I've never been so happy in my life to have laundry in the building now.

5. The hoards of NYU hipster babies who walk past my window at 4:30 on a fucking Tuesday night loud and wasted and then proceed to puke outside my gate.

Dude, you are all starting to look like Ashley Simpson and it's really making me wanna La la lose it.

6. My lack of closet space. Now my vacuum cleaner will finally have home.

7. The ratio of shitty restaurants to good ones.

For every good restaurant in Williamsburg there are about 3 that suck and yet somehow manage to stay open. I have no idea why this is? Can someone explain Vera Cruz to me?

8. Tops Grocery Store

Okay your produce was pretty good and not so expensive and you have a decent cheese selection...but you are lacking in some serious essentials. Like...Vanilla Coffeemate, huh? What's that about? You have fucking Hazelnut and Amaretto. ( and by the way ew.) So where's Vanilla? Huh? And while we are listing things not there...what about ground pork? You have a fucking Meat Packing place right next to you and yet you don't sell ground pork? How exactly is that possible? Now my meatballs are lifeless. I'm too upset to go on.

9. Useless, overpriced, artsy stores that I rarely went into

Sure you looked nice and had some cool things, but unless I wanted to buy a t-shirt for $80.00 there was really no point.

10. Not being able to have packages shipped to my home address.

Ah the joys of a de-lux-apartment in the sky and a doorman. My desk at work need no longer be a graveyard of Urban Outfitters and Barnes and Noble boxes


Blogger Sheri said...

that Planet Thai bit just reminded me of when i used to work near Amarin Cafe in Greenpoint and one day my manager got a fried cukaracha in her pad thai, AND my boss got a drowned silverfish in her thai iced coffee. it must be the peanut sauce.

9:10 PM  
Blogger S said...

OMG! I came close to ordering there so many times, so glad I didn't.

10:10 AM  
Blogger AJB said...

A few things:

1) I could subsist purely on Peter Luger steak sauce for a really long time. It is really *that* good.

2) Joya rocks. The thai place across the street, Tuk Tuk, rocks as well.

3) The vinyl siding thing totally cracked me up and it's so true. Vinyl siding and Williamsburg are in love with eachother. Good observation! I never realized. Or perhaps I was trying to turn a blind eye to all the vinyl siding.

11:00 AM  
Blogger k said...

one time i went to planet thai to have a quiet lunch all by myself & the waiter sat me across from a giant, graphic painting of linda blair from the exorcist, with the chapped lips & pea-soup spittle & scary eyes & everything. i had to move to the other side of the table. it was disgusting.

also my roommate very nearly died after eating oysters there.

agreed re. vera cruz. best mexican in w'burg is matamoros, by far.

11:00 AM  
Blogger S said...

A- Peter Lugar steak sauce is seriously good I laughed when you told me "And I don't even eat steak I just like it!" I love that we are both wearing fucking green today too... so retarded.

K- I think oysters anywhere in Williamsburg would scare me, probably because I'm a Cape Cod girl and spoiled by fresh seafood. But that's awful about your roommate. The mental image of the painting of Linda Blair all jacked up on Satan staring at you while you eat literally made me laugh out loud.

11:22 AM  

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