Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Part 1. Peterpan Bus, a neverland I never want to go to again.

I worked out that this weekend involved more travel time then actual family time. Which generally could be construed as a good thing for some people but I was actually looking forward to going home. However, I feel a little like the hamster that gets into their wheel and thinks...

"This time man, this time it's gonna be different. This time I'm gonna bust out of here and it's gonna be awesome!...run run run...
Hmm...still in front of my dish...run run...dish still there...run...run...*sigh* Well I guess I could go for a sunflower seed and a nap."

I kinda get that Norman Rockwell vision of home. Like my mom is suddenly going to greet me at the door with an apple pie or a margarita (Okay it's my home fantasy people) and we'd have lobster and then go clamming in wooly Irish knit sweaters. It's a vision that maybe not everyone shares of 'home' but mine nonetheless.

Anyway, after leaving work early and then walking 10 blocks in the freezing cold to finally get a cab and 2 security searches later, I found myself a seat on the bus and started reading my magazine. The bus was filling up pretty fast so I did what I always do before a long bus ride where it is obvious I will not be able to sit alone. I blatantly judged the passengers coming towards me down the isle and gave dirty looks to anyone who looked.

a. Creepy
b. Smelly
c. Desperate for conversation

All things that drive me insane on a long bus trip. See... I once spent 4 hours on a bus stuck in the most boring conversation about computers of all things with a large Asian man with body odor, a heavy accent and a lisp. He kept re-introducing himself to me every time he wanted to get my attention again after I would manage to sneak my headphones on.

"Hi...yes...so you isp in computerssss? No?

"What? I'm sorry, I HAD MY HEADPHONES ON."

"Hi...see you have a computers. You like computers... No?"

" Well yes I use one???"

"Ah yes...me too ha ha. I aw-soo work wiff computersss"

" Wow..ha ha..cool."

*Puts headphones on*

"Hi...hi..What type of computers do you hasve?"

*Takes off earphones*

"Um a Mac..Yeah. Which is why I love my ipod... yup... I like to just you know, listen to music on long bus trips like this. Maybe catch some sleep."

"Oh I don't likes Macsszz...no no no....no good dis Macszzz."


And so started the most boring, socially awkward conversation in the history of the Peterpan Bus Co. It lasted from Exit 8 on the Mass turnpike till right around the time I wanted to hurl myself out the window somewhere in New Haven CT. Only interrupted by my futile attempts at trying to put my headphones on and the flatulence problem of man in the seat in front of us. Peterpan Magic...I tell you.

So that's why it's important to stare down every undesirable that walks down the isle. But you can't get too greedy because if you let too many walk by you, you just dunno who you could end up sitting next to. So I generally have a type I look for in sharing my bus riding experience.

2.Between the ages of 24-44. Anyone younger is bound to talk on the phone the entire time to her boyfriend, friend in Somerville, roommate, sister, guy friend whom she's seeing under the false pretense of it just being a friendly visit and not a desperate college cross-country booty call.) Anyone older might want to talk to me.

Only sometimes this blatant stereotyping doesn't work, you know? Go figure right? Maybe I was the one judged;karmically judged. I will never know but it didn't work.

Here's how it didn't work.

1.The girl next to me talked non-stop from the bus terminal to the last toll on the mass pike. I know...she was going to see her ex but was worried about his new girlfriend. She hates his new girlfriend and she's fat. The girlfriend, not my seat 'buddy'. That she doesn't like this girl Hemma and thinks they should all forget to invite her out to the club and they can pretend nobody had her cell number...and lots more. Fascinating!

2.The guy in front of me got into a 10 min fight with the bus driver over not letting him get off in Newton rather then Boston South station.
The same guy proceeded to call everyone on his phone and talk at high volume about how FUCKED UP PETERPAN BUS IS! Then pushed his seat into my lap and fell asleep.

3.Then my ipod died while in heavy stop-and-slam-into-the-seat-in-front-of-you traffic in Danbury CT, approximately 3 hours from our destination or with traffic 5.

4.The bus was so hot that I had a t-shirt on and I was still sweating, then I lost the ability to swallow and I think I hallucinated but I'm not sure. Can gummy bears talk?

5. The ghetto fabulous couple in back of me started making out and I could literally hear their saliva switching around in their mouth. Ew. Then she's get all mad at him yo... and randomly start yelling "Noooooooo Jeeeesus...what the fuck yo? That iz so messed up, no it ain't funny yo." *insert laughing and kicking seat* Then they made up. *More saliva noises.* Then they fought. Then they made up... Repeat...20 million times in 5 hours.

When we finally pulled into South Station 2 hours late, I nearly ran out of there and embraced a stranger I was so happy to be off that bus.


Blogger laurenbove said...

HI-Larious, S!

I've Peter Panned it, myself. Storrs to Bridgeport. Gotta love it. No seats so I had to sit in the aisle. CAN you belive it? Tis true.

They let me and my bf sit in the aisles on the dirty poo poo floor for the hours and hours long journey. (Extra-Long due to multi stops) Doesn't seem like it's gotten much better.

I remember the walk of shame people would take as they passed me by in the seats. My technique involved looking really busy and really loaded down with stuff and as "not inviting" as possible...except when that reallllly cute boy sauntered by...then I somehow found room for him.

Hope the Boston thing went well. I'll be in Milford MA soon to visit cousins.


7:48 PM  
Blogger Sheri said...

god, the days of bussing it to and fro, how i will never miss it! i assume that, as a non-native new yorker, you may know how to operate an automobile, in which case i offer mine any time you need it in lieu of that awful experience!

9:22 PM  
Blogger S said...

Sheri, you are my hero! Can't wait for Top Model tonight :)

10:21 AM  
Blogger S said...

Oh my god I can't believe you sat in the aisle! You poor poor thing *shudder shudder* The walk of shame was right on too, it almost feels a little bit like being picked last for kickball. :)

10:24 AM  
Blogger laurenbove said...

Yeah-yeah: That's exactly what it feels like.

Being 4'-11" in JR High and not at all into competitive sports, I was always close the to last one picked. Thank goddess for the few school freaks that kept me from the dead last spot.

11:57 AM  

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